All I Wanted
by Gabs
Summary: Finished! POV thoughts of Jack, Sydney, Vaughn and Irina. Set after 'Dead Drop'
1. Jack

All I Wanted

Chapter 1: Jack

DISCLAIMER: They Don't belong to me, I don't claim that they do, don't sue. Thank you, and please review!

What is that feeling? Guilt? Remorse? Sadness? I'm not quite sure. But as I hold my crying daughter, all I know is, I feel _something_. All I wanted to do was protect her. But is there a chance that I could have been wrong? I was so sure- _so sure!-_ that Irina Derevko was bad for my daughter. It was so obvious, and yet no one else could see it. But in my effort to get that woman out of Sydney's life once and for all, I became as much of a threat to Sydney as Derevko is. Sydney and Vaughn both could have died. What if she had opened the door before I had a chance to warn her? A million other things could have gone wrong on that operation, and it would have been my fault. Should I have left it alone? Derevko would have betrayed Sydney soon enough, of that I am sure. Should I have waited, allowed that to happen on its own?

No.

Because then, I would have had no control over the situation. I would have lost my daughter. Waiting would have been counterproductive. 

I'm surprised at just how much Sydney is hurt by the thought of her mother trying to kill her. It's not the first time her life has been endangered by that woman. I knew she had begun to reconnect with her mother on some level, but I had no idea how much. Could she have changed? Is it possible for Irina Derevko to really care about Sydney? 

No. It's not possible. She would have hurt her even worse. There is no other way.

And as much as it hurts me to see Sydney like this, it's for the best. Had I waited any longer, that reforming bond would have gotten stronger. That situation would have been too dangerous.

I did what I had to do. Sydney will get over it, in time. She will be ok. She will never be in contact with that woman again. She will get over it.

But will she? The nagging voice in the back of my mind doubts my certainty. What if? What if Sydney was right, and her mother is the fastest way to save Sydney from this life that she hates so much? And I've taken that from her. What if I have condemned my daughter to more years of torment, anguish, and hatred at the hands of SD-6?

All I wanted to do was protect her. But could I have done the exact opposite? I can't undo what has already been done. I can only pray, to a God that might not be there, that this doesn't come back to haunt me.

All I wanted to do was protect her.

Planning 3 more of these, from the point of view of Vaughn, Sydney, and Irina. Please review, let me know what you think!


	2. Sydney

All I Wanted

Chapter 2: Sydney

DISCLAIMER: They Don't belong to me, I don't claim that they do, don't sue. Thank you, and please review!

I feel betrayed. Hurt. Angry. Confused. Sad. Shocked. Lost.

I feel used. I feel abandoned. I feel stupid.

Why didn't I see it coming? Dad did. He saw it from a mile away. I should have listened to him. I know he was right. I know it now, and I think I knew it then. But I wouldn't let myself accept that. I couldn't. At first, it wasn't a problem. Kendall had to threaten Vaughn before I'd even think of going in there. I wasn't about to trust that woman. She shot me. How could I? But somehow, somewhere along the line, visiting her went from being a chore to being one of the rare bright spots of my work. I actually started looking forward to those visits. All I had ever wanted was a mother, and I suddenly had one. Of course it wasn't quite the conventional mother-daughter relationship, but that's no surprise.

I felt something. When she was telling me the story behind her earrings, I felt for her. I didn't want to. But she got to me. I actually had this little scene all played out in my head… it's so stupid now. Vaughn and I were going to return- Bible in hand- and prove to my father and any other doubters that my mom was here to help, to prove herself, nothing more. I would walk down that long hall to thank her again. She would ask if I was ok, and I'd have to convince her I was. And then she'd share another story with me. Maybe one about her father- my grandfather? Some sibling of hers I never knew about? A forgotten memory from my childhood? Whatever the subject, it would strike a chord deep inside of me, and I'd be able to feel the bond growing stronger, becoming almost a tangible thing. And then I'd be sent on some other mission pertaining to The Bible, and she'd give me some extra intel to make it go faster and keep me safe. And maybe someday, she would be free. We would be able to really become a mother and daughter. Maybe we'd even be sent on some missions together, and I could see for myself how she had come to be called 'The Man.'

I was so stupid.

I still am. I'm sitting here, knowing what she tried to do to me, to Vaughn. And yet, I'm still wishing that stupid little fantasy will one day come true.

This didn't really come out how I had intended. But I think I like it anyway. I'm saving Irina for last because she is my absolute fave. Also, fics from her PoV always seem to come easier, so her's is ending up a lot longer than any of the others. So, up next: Vaughn!


	3. Vaughn

All I Wanted

Chapter 3: Vaughn

DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, I don't claim that they do, don't sue. Thank you, and please review!

I don't have an easy answer for that.

My words to Kendall. Seems like there's never an easy answer. At that time, he said he'd take a complicated one. Right now, so would I. It's bound to be better than absolutely no answer. It doesn't make any sense at all. Why? Why would she help Sydney get this far? Why would she leave her alive in Taipei and Barcelona? Why would she help me save her in Moscow? Why would she do all of that, only to send us both on a suicide mission?

No, it doesn't make sense.

I could see how much it hurt Sydney. She wanted to believe herself immune to her mother. Of course it wasn't true. She was liking the new relationship that was developing between them. She hated it at first. She continued to deny feeling any sort of emotional attachment to the woman. But as soon as she asked for those earrings, I knew.

I'm no fan of Irina Derevko. Not after all she's done to this country, my family… and Sydney. But I do believe she cares for her daughter. I could see the relief in her eyes when her assistance got Sydney safely out of Moscow. I could see the interest when I slipped in our first meeting, referring to Sydney by her first name rather than Agent Bristow. I've watched her on that monitor, even taken in a few meetings between mother and daughter. Nothing at all has given any indication that she wanted anything more than to reconcile with her daughter. So why? I wish I knew.

There are too many loose ends in this. One of them is Jack Bristow. What would make him suspicious enough to switch to infrared? Sure, he's a veteran agent, and doesn't trust Irina. Sure, he worries excessively about Sydney, thought sometimes it's hard to tell. All these things are true. But those explanations are too easy. There's more to it than that. I'm not about to make any real accusations- to myself, to Sydney, especially not to Jack. I have my suspicions, but, quite frankly, the man scares the crap out of me. Unless I find solid evidence, the best plan of action is just to leave well enough alone for now, and to continue being there for Sydney. I know she'll need it, no matter how tough she is.

I need to spend some time looking into this. It's just too suspicious. But… then again, Irina could very easily have done this. It could make sense. She would effectively get rid of both Sydney and The Bible at the same tie. But is that what she really wanted? There would have been easier ways to do both of those things. If she truly wanted Sydney dead, she could have killed her in Taipei, or Barcelona, or refused to help me get her out of Moscow. She could have destroyed The Bible before she turned herself in. Or, she could have never turned herself over to the CIA in the first place. So why go about it this way? To spite Jack, Syd, and the CIA? That doesn't seem like Irina Derevko. Not that I know her all that well. But it doesn't add up.

Kendall told me to forget about Irina, and just go back to how we used to work. But, while that system was fairly effective, it doesn't compare to the difference I've seen since Irina came along. Since she turned herself in, there have been times where I could actually see the end of SD-6 not so far off, and freedom for Sydney and everyone she cares about.

Conflicted. That's the only word to accurately describe how I feel right now. I don't know what to do next.

I had intended to get this one up before 'The Indicator' aired, but that obviously didn't work. I'm aiming to get Irina's POV posted before 'Salvation,' but my schedule is loaded for the next 3 days, not to mention all these ideas that keep coming up, and stuff I want to take out. Also trying to update 'The Bible' in the next few days, but no promises… thanks for reading! Please review, either on FF.Net, or by e-mailing me at GabsHardyL4tM@hotmail.com, or both!


	4. Irina

All I Wanted

Chapter 4: Irina

DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, I don't claim that they do, don't sue. Thank you, and please review!

I don't understand what's going on. They're taking me away, that much is obvious. But where? And, more importantly, why? All I can figure is something must have gone wrong in Madagascar. But what? I've been wracking my brain since they first shackled me again. I can only come up with 3 options. I don't like any of them. But until I can talk to Sydney, or Agent Vaughn, or someone who knows, I can do nothing but dwell upon these ideas.

What if, somehow, Sark beat them to it? Of course, this would be quite difficult. He didn't have the map and, from what Sydney said, he didn't get a good enough look at it to memorize it in Moscow. It remains a possibility, however farfetched. He could have gotten there, grabbed the Bible, and ambushed my daughter and the team. Had he kil… injured them badly, it may have been assumed to be a set-up by me. Even if they weren't hurt- or worse- who's to say they wouldn't assume that anyway? I despise this option. Besides, truly believing this is quite a stretch of the imagination. I'm not sure I can really make that kind of stretch.

The second possibility that I've come up with is me. I somehow decoded the map wrong, leading them nowhere. They would naturally believe I did it on purpose. But would that alone be enough cause for them to take me away like this? I don't know. Either way, I created that code. I think if anyone would be able to decipher it, it's me. I spent enough time working out the specifics of Richter's map- with Sydney watching- to be fairly sure that I was correct on the location. I would not have done anything to intentionally hurt Sydney, or lead her astray. True, 'The Bible' is my last bit of leverage. But all I want now is to prove myself. I want the chance to explain everything to my daughter. I want to be there for my daughter's wedding, her child's first Christmas, Sydney's 30th birthday. Correctly decoding the map was supposed to be one small step on that path. Instead, the damn thing seems to have caused a huge setback. I don't know what happened. But I do know I decoded it correctly.

If Sark is a stretch of the imagination, that's just an impossible leap. The third option I've come up with is the most painful thought. Unfortunately, it also seems the most likely.

Jack.

I've tried to talk myself out of this, come up with reasons why it's not possible. But the more I think about it, the more it fits. Of course, his intent wouldn't have been to hurt Sydney or any of those CIA officers. He would have wanted to make it appear as though I were sending them into a setup. A death trap, an ambush maybe. Naturally, he would save them, somehow. This would prove to Sydney that he was right all along. It would show that he's the good guy, I'm the bad guy. But it's hard to believe that he would go to such extremes. I still don't know what he did- might have done, I suppose I should say- but it would have to be big in order to get me taken away. I know he doesn't trust me. He probably despises me. But would he really go so far? Would he actually endanger Sydney's life just to keep her from me? I don't know the answer to that question; I can only hope not. She already has one parent she can't trust… one parent who has damaged her irreversibly… she needs to be able to trust Jack, to know that he wouldn't hurt her. I can never be that for her. Even if she could actually forgive me, accept me back into her life as her mother, she would never be able to fully trust me. How could she? I've abandoned her, shot her, held a gun to her head… no, she could never fully believe in me. I just hope, no matter how much Jack may hate me, he would never betray Sydney's trust. But no matter how much I hope, I'm afraid it does no good. I'm afraid he took matters into his own hands, and I'm not sure I want Sydney to know. Oh, I want her to know that I didn't betray her, try to kill her, or give her wrong directions. However, I don't want her to feel that she cant trust her father.

But she cant. Perhaps I should tell her. Who's to say it wont happen again? Suppose I don't tell Sydney my suspicions, and Jack feels threatened by someone else? Can I take that chance?

She'd never believe me. My word versus Jack? She'd take his anyday, as would anyone in their right mind. I'm at a loss for options here. And still, my mind keeps going back to Jack.

Jephthah. Compelled sacrificer of a dearly beloved daughter. This is who Hamlet compares Polonius to in Act II, scene ii. Have I turned Jack into Jephthah? Could his hatred of me push him so far? Would he truly be willing to sacrifice Sydney in order to keep her away from me- and protect his secret?

I don't know. And not knowing could very well be worse than finding out the truth.

Thanks for reading! I considered doing one of these from Will's perspective, but it wouldn't really fit. So I guess this is it. I still like Jack's the best, but whatever. Either way, please review, either on FF.Net, or by e-mailing me at GabsHardyL4tM@hotmail.com, or both!


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